How to Succeed at...

 ...almost anything

Finding the perfect spouse

1. Go on a blind date in which the person introducing you knows you only superficially and mistakenly attributes your parents' interests to you. (M)

2. Reveal your family's darkest secret on that first date, thereby potentially scaring away your date. (me)

3. Give your date a humour challenge. (me)

4. Be funny. (M)

5. Be lucky, despite all of the above.

Winning at horse races

1. Decide you and your three accomplices will only bet to a certain limit and stop when you've lost that amount.

2. Whimsically choose a horse because you like his or her name.

3. Make a mistake when betting. Instead of choosing only one of those whimsically-named horses to win ($2 bet), choose two horses to win and place ($5 bet). Both horses happen to be long shots. When you win on this mistake, because it was a long shot, you'll make much more than you would have if you'd proofread better.

4. Stop betting when you've lost the amount in #1 and split your winnings, laughing hysterically.

Winning at greyhound races (aka, My Mother's Method)

1. Observe the dogs before the race. 

2. Bet on the one who has decided to relieve himself before the race. He won't have to worry about that and will run faster as a result.

3. Collect your winnings. (Thanks, Gentleman Jim!)

Finding potential dates or breaking ice with strangers

1. Acquire an adorable puppy and take it for walks. You will never lack for potential dates (even if you are married and uninterested in dating). Even your dog will make play dates for the dog park. You'll meet all your neighbours.

You're welcome.